


Kill Or Be Killed

by Kealpos



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: F/M, Gen, Michael and Jeremy were married, Michael dies in the first chapter folks, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-05
Updated: 2017-11-24
Packaged: 2018-12-11 08:55:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11711061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kealpos/pseuds/Kealpos
Summary: Jeremy Heere and Michael Mell are in love, but when Michael dies in a freak motorcycle accident, and a certain someone named Christine Canigula, who none thought would play a meaningful life in Jeremy's life anymore comes back, the two learn that the death card in the deck of future doesn't always equal bad.





	1. They loved each other

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> I'm Adrien, and this is A Fucking Fic
> 
> I'm continuing this kicking and screaming fuckers

Jeremy Heere was only in Kindergarten when he met Michael Mell.

Jeremy still went by Rosana then, but that didn’t mean he was free from the teasing of his last name. Michael got made fun of as well, with both his first and last name beginning with the letter M.

And so, the two grouped together, the only people who didn’t make fun of names.

Also, Michael had a pet frog, which Jeremy thought was the coolest thing ever.

* * *

 

Jeremy told Michael about Christine almost immediately after he realized he had a crush on her, and Michael pat his back, and congratulated him for “coming out” and immediately lapsed into teasing him about her, Michael finally having a breath of relief because now he knew his friend wouldn’t be disgusted with him if he mentioned a cute boy from choir.

* * *

 

Jeremy told Michael about being a boy in 9th grade, something he had been questioning since a couple months before getting out of 6th, in Michael’s basement of his house, and Michael smiled at him, wrapping an arm around his friend’s shoulders, and immediately lapsing into acception, doing his hardest to not slip up on pronouns and his name.

* * *

 

Jeremy’s mom left on an April day of Sophomore year, a month exactly from Jeremy’s birthday. That made it hit so much harder than it would’ve.

Sure, the signs were there; the fighting, the distance, being out of the house for days on end, but Jeremy was always hopeful.

She had taken Jeremy’s transition well, and did her best to be a wonderful mother about everything, but it was only Jeremy that truly kept Mr and Ms. Heere together, Michael knew. He had an outside perspective on the situation.

So, finally, Ms Marilyn Heere made sure Jeremy could begin to take things on himself, that Mr Harrell Heere had a stable job that could keep Jeremy safe, alongside child support, and then she made her leave.

The household was a solemn place to be for the two and a half months afterwards.

* * *

 

In Junior year, it went nothing like the pair of friends expected it to go.

Jeremy swallowed a pill, a supercomputer, to help him become much more cool, and to help him start dating Christine, who he had been pining after for years now.

The “Squip” messed Jeremy up, big time. It coerced him into abandoning Michael, cheat on his girlfriend, and almost take over the school through abuse, emotional and physical, constantly belittling him, getting him to accept the mentality that he ought to die without the Squip’s “help,” and electrically shocking him, leaving scars (which they called disgusting, to top that part off)

The Squip truly didn’t help, even though its directive was fulfilled, leaving Jeremy with more than one friend, and a girlfriend, Christine Canigula.

But, was the fact that the Squip was also an abusive fuck mentioned? Because he was, and after the period of Squip ended (a week or two after Jeremy’s birthday, Jeremy wasn’t much of the same.

Jeremy and Christine dated for the rest of Junior year from when Jeremy first asked her out, to around the middle on Senior year, but due to the Squip’s interference, it always made Jeremy guilty and paranoid about a lot of things and he began to close himself off from everyone with Christine allowing him to grow away, her attention becoming more focused on her acting and singing career the closer graduation became.

In May of Senior year, talk of off-brand Squips and their physiological hindering made way to Sony, the company developing actual Squips, and to major mental health officials, causing the Squips like the ones Jeremy and Rich bought to be retracted from Japan, those caught selling them to be arrested (if found) and facilities catering to those who had taken these Squips beginning to crop up around America.

As soon as Jeremy heard about one opening within New Jersey, he centered his graduation plans around going there, rather than going to college.

And then, he just did it.

Practically the day after the “Squip Squad” all graduated, Jeremy took off for the Squip centered mental hospital, and most people didn’t hear from him for a long time, Christine included, who more or less lost contact with him as they went their separate ways, traveling around the country for auditions, TV shows and Stage productions equally.

Eventually, after around 2 or 3 months, Jeremy contacted his dad and Michael, saying he was ready to come home more or less, and then, he was back, talking about what he did while he was gone and some of the techniques used to help him and the surprisingly steady amount of other patients.

Michael was taking a break year to establish his place and have time to really practice music, Rich and Jake were going to a college in Arizona on Scholarships, Jenna was taking up work in a diner and going to a local community college, Chloe was going off to a college for (shockingly) an architecting career, and Brooke was traveling with Christine to California so that Christine could perform in an extremely popular play, and so Brooke could play the role of a major character in a TV show.

Jeremy had fallen out of the loop of everything, but he decided he’d go to community college like Jenna once he could apply for a new semester. He traveled from his house, Michael’s house, and the diner Jenna worked at, as they grew closer together.

* * *

 

With all the time he had with Michael, being pretty much free of romantic feelings for Christine, and for the first time in a while, being in a not completely shit mental state, eventually the two boys formed a relationship.

They were together for 5 years before finally getting married in 2028, with a few mutual college friends, Jenna, Chloe, Rich, Jake, Jeremy's mom and dad, both of Michael's moms, a couple of Jeremy's dad's side family members, all 4 of Michael's siblings, and several of his cousins.

Brooke and Christine were unable to come, with Brooke working on a movie, and Christine in the final weeks of rehearsing for a musical, but made sure to watch the recording that they started for those who couldn't make it, and Michael's YouTube followers.

The two boys had a casual wedding; an August evening at a nearby beach. The wedding was held, strung with flowers and fairy lights, the waves crashing in the background, the smell of water floating through. The ceremony began so if everything went to plan, there would be some sort of a sunset in the background of the kiss photos.

Jeremy dressed up in a navy blue suit with a red bow tie, and Michael decked out opposite of him, red suit and navy bow.

The air was filled with love, and they way they were looking at each other, everyone who watched knew that it was just them in each other's eyes.

The words "I now pronounce you husband and husband." spilled out, and the boys were leaning into each other before the wedding officiant could even say the next statement.

The photos taken were magnificent, the sky dark above them, all except for the oranges and yellows backing against the water, its reflection rippling. An arch of white and blue flowers hung over the boys, and they kissed, Michael wearing contacts for this day, and it was a sight to behold.

* * *

 

The two took marriage in stride.

Their honeymoon was to the Philippines, allowing Michael to talk about and show Jeremy the roots of his Filipino side, having been raised in the U.S, only visiting a few times in his lifetime.

They finally got an apartment together, and were thinking about buying a house eventually, as they both wanted to adopt a kid.

Jeremy never wanted to give birth and never wanted to deal with a baby, but he still did want someone he could help flourish into the world.

Michael always wanted a kid, ever since he was a kid. Even when he knew he was gay. He wanted someone he would call his own.

They were thinking of maybe getting a kid in the age range closer to 18. 14-18, that was their age range. They both had researched what it was like being an adopted/foster kid after Brooke told their friend group about being in the foster care system for a couple years, and if they had learnt anything, it was more difficult the older you got.

They made sure they were friends with everyone on social media, even Christine, and posted cute pictures of themselves.

They adopted a dog and two rats, who they named Squip, Clyde, and Rosana. It was said if you put names to things you wanted to forget attached to you, you gave the name to something good, and eventually you'd associate the name more with the good thing.

They comforted each other in times of need, because even though the Squip story was more or less over, and they were in a happy marriage, they still suffered. Jeremy checked in with the Squip hospital every other month for a four hour long therapy session. He went back sometimes, because there were some people who never recovered, and he was considered extremely helpful.

They sang to each other, they made coffee and hot chocolate and stupid drinks with stupid ingredients. They kissed at pride festivals and watched things that Brooke starred in, disgustingly buttery popcorn in their laps and hands intertwined. They messed around on skateboards, and kissed in the rain, and went to clubs where the beat vibrated in the air, and they fucked, and they laughed.

They loved each other.

They loved each other.

They loved each other.

They really fucking loved each other.

They missed their wedding anniversary because Jeremy got called into work because of someone suffering from a suicide attempt. Jeremy was a nurse, but Michael cried when he got to go in as a real nurse on his first day.

The two boys had been together for a little over 3 years now, and Michael really wanted to surprise Jeremy at his work. He had called in ahead to notify supervisors that he would be coming to take Jeremy out, and they allowed this to happen for the dumb boy in love.

Michael had picked up flowers and a picnic, and was going to surprise Jeremy and take him to the spot where Michael had proposed, the auditorium where they had watched a real version of A Midsummer's Night Dream and then he had bent down on one knee.

Michael just had to pick up some of Jeremy's favorite chocolates, and he'd be golden.

Since the side of the road with the shop he was picking the chocolate up from was busy, he parked on the other side, and waited before crossing, and then he went, flowers and picnic basket in his hands, and he was halfway across the street when he heard... shouting…

And then, the motorcycle rammed right into him.

The flowers landed on the ground in a mess, and the picnic basket toppled over and spilled some of the contents.

There was blood on the fucking road, and the motorcyclist had been launched after she hit.. Someone.

There was screaming, and there were sirens. Michael felt nothing but pain, and a faint wish that the hospital he was going to wasn't Jeremy's.

* * *

 

Jeremy heard the commotion; two people, a man and woman, were rushed in by an ambulance, both put into the ER, and they refused to let Jeremy help, though he was more than qualified. He didn't understand.

And then he heard the words "Michael Mell," and "Heere's husband."

And suddenly, he had people restraining him from barging into  _ Michael's room _ , and he was yelling. He had tears in his eyes and he was fucking shouting to let him see him, please let him see him please!

And then he was being comforted by his fellow nurse and friend. Not in "Michael was dead" comforting but in "You need to stay here to  _ make sure  _ your husband keeps not being dead" way.

And then an hour later, a doctor was coming in, and looking down at their shoes, eyes never leaving the floor, he said in a gentle voice, "I'm so sorry, Jeremy."

And Jeremy's world fell apart.

He cried, he yelled, he begged with the doctor to  _ please do something! _

But there was nothing to be done but let Jeremy into the room, and there he was.

Michael.

And everything seemed to be worse now that he could see the limp body, and they weren't just words. Words that he could convince himself out of. This was real.

And Jeremy clutched Michael's cold, dead hand, sobbing. But there was nothing that anybody could do, and they were all pained by that fact.

The motorcyclist was a young girl, only 22. Only a few years younger than Jeremy and Michael, and she had accidentally killed someone. She became paralyzed, and half expected to be sued or arrested for what she did, but Jeremy just cried, she said she was so fucking sorry, and Jeremy said that he forgave her. He knew it was a mistake.

And Michael was dead.


	2. Muffins & Memorials

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to the memorial service.

Jeremy and Michael had a kind of morbid sense of humor, though definitely more Jeremy.

Before he got caught up in trying to be cool, (around the same time he started transitioning) Jeremy took pride in the fact that he had written a research paper on Grimm fairy tales, and how he did a project to be seen by the whole school on the history and lore of zombies.

He had a small reputation for being the "really creepy girl" that everyone more or less seemed to like in Elementary school.

That reputation was dropped as soon as he could help it. Well, he was still creepy, just not in public.

Michael loved hearing Jeremy talk about the weirdest and most messed up shit, from how cannibalism was technically legal, to a weird horror story he had heard about.

Michael considered it the funniest fucking thing, him being able to handle scary movies and games better than Jeremy, with his excuse of him getting more scared because "You never know when the killer or monster or whatever will pop up! The shit I read, you know what you're getting in to!"

When Jeremy was doing his training for nursing, he kept showing Michael pictures of wounded patients he might have to treat in the future with no hesitation or sickness. Only pure, unbridled joy in his eyes.

So, it was no surprise that the two boys often got on the topic of what they wanted to happen after death.

There was regular being buried, there were some suggestions of a Viking funeral, but they mostly kept on cremation as primary ideas.

"I don't want people to see my body, sick and lifeless, and have that be in the ground, the last true image of me," Michael had gone off one day over lunch at Zupas, Michael setting his sandwich down, Jeremy nodding in understanding.

"And! I don't want to end up in a dumb urn and get knocked over by my dumb grandson and then turned into a mischievous dead sprite character!" he continued, frowning.

"Michael," Jeremy said with a snort. "That's Homestuck."

"Is it? Well, the message still stands."

"Okay then, babe. What do you want with death?"

"Cremation, definitely."

Michael leaned on his propped up elbow, Jeremy waiting for a conclusion, eating some of his soup.

"But you know, not in an traditional urn of course. I literally just went against urns. Nah, I'd probably want to be cremated and then put in one of those tree things. Or a vinyl, you know? Help the world one death at a time, or annoy everyone with my voice, even in the afterlife."

"Seems like you," Jeremy shrugged.

"What about you, hun?"

"Well, I don't want one of the funeral house people to accidentally dress me up in feminine clothing, even though it’s unlikely, so probably cremation as well, just to play it safe. Maybe one of the glass orbs."

"Orb," Michael chuckled, finally picking up his sandwich again and taking another bite.

Jeremy smiled, replying to his husband, "Orb."

* * *

 

The gist of that past scene was an example of many, many conversations talking about death, but Jeremy never thought that one of them would have to actually be going through with body plans so young.

Jeremy's hands shook as he ordered the special urn online.

The urn would be able to be planted and grow a Honey Locust tree, with Michael's ashes in the bottom.

Michael probably would've wanted a vinyl, Jeremy figured, but he also always wanted to put his own voice recording to his friends, family, and Jeremy, rather than music, and he never did get the chance to do that.

Jeremy felt himself go through the motions of ordering the urn, and just like that, it was bought.

Michael would be cremated, his ashes in a real urn, and then, the tree urn would come on a set date (exactly 26 days from the ordering) and Jeremy would have to transfer his ashes, and then bring everyone together for the memorial service and subsequent planting of the urn.

That was.. sickening in a way that nothing Jeremy had read about that was considered morbid made him feel.

He'd have to plan out a fucking memorial service.

It had been almost two days since Michael's death, and he'd probably get cremated within the next 24 hours. And here Jeremy was. At home. Buying a stupid fucking urn for Michael. Dead Michael.

The Squip thoroughly enjoyed cropping up, with Michael gone, but that was understandable, from it's viewpoint.

Jeremy was weak, and emotionally vulnerable. He had already been crying on and off since he was told to go home. His dad had come over for a little bit earlier, but had to go eventually. He'd have to invite people to the service. He was alone, except for the prospect of contacting people to invite, and a manipulative supercomputer in his head.

Great.

A couple of friends who lived nearby- like Jenna, and a few mutual college friends -had already reached out, and one, a college buddy named Ambrosia, offered to come over and make sure Jeremy didn't die as while.

They obviously didn't word it like that, but Jeremy knew what they meant in their words.

And so, Jeremy took a deep breath, and started looking into where and when he wanted the service.

* * *

 

Jeremy sent out the emails and phone calls several days later, stating that Michael had died, when the memorial would be, where, and how he had passed away, while also encouraging people to write speeches, collect thing to bring, and plan schedules around traveling and the service.

Michael's mom's helped Jeremy contact some of Michael's extended family members and siblings, while Jeremy invited the entirety of the Squip Squad and the friends that Michael had made outside of high school.

Jeremy got a flurry of RSVP's within the next several days, with everyone agreeing to come, to some extent of a miracle.

Meanwhile, Jeremy got the first urn back, and for an hour, he stared at it in his hands, occasionally opening the top, but closing it before he could get tears in the ashes.

Michael was dead.

Jeremy felt like the world was moving around him, like he died with Michael. He hated it, feeling like time and color and feeling just stopped for him, not in courtesy, but in inconvenience. In hatred. A way to tell Jeremy to go fuck himself.

Jeremy had been given the flowers and picnic that Michael was attempting to bring to him, about 20 minutes after finding out he died. He also got a free box of those chocolates that Michael had been trying to get before...

He kept the objects on his night stand, oftentimes them being the first things he'd see in the morning. He couldn't bring himself to eat anything.

Michael had gotten takeout from Olive Garden. Several breadsticks and pairing alfredo sauce, getting Jeremy the Chicken Alfredo (he was a hound for that stuff) and himself the Chicken Parmigiana, cake to share, and no less than eleven mint chocolate thingies they gave you.

The actual chocolates were expensive, being high quality dark chocolate with orange cream filler.

Jeremy was going to bring Michael to a penny arcade with at least $100 worth of coins, and then to a roller skating place, and a nice dinner afterwards. Jeremy had so many fucking penny arcade coins in a bag in his drawer. And he couldn't even bring himself to use them.

" **_ Pitiful. _ ** "

' _ Shut-down. _ '

And silence.

* * *

 

It was September, and Jeremy had just spent the previous hour getting Michael's ashes in the tree urn.

He was.. emotionally fucked.

Jenna had called to say she was coming over about 7 minutes beforehand, so she could show up at any minute. Jeremy was really glad she was coming over. If he was being honest, he hadn't interacted with humanity much, besides people working at the cremation service, and a few people to get an obituary out in the newspaper.

Jeremy gritted his teeth, tugging his eyes away from the tree urn, which he had been staring at mostly without blinking for a little while. It wasn't healthy.

Jeremy took in a deep breath, exhaling loudly, and standing up, heading into the kitchen and opening the fridge, grabbing an apple, as he heard a quick couple of knocks to the door before the tell-tale click of the doorknob, signaling it was being opened.

"Hey," Jenna's voice called through the apartment, and then the jingling of her shedding her jacket.

Jeremy stuck up the hand that was apple free, taking a bite as she filed into the kitchen.

They were mostly silence, standing there, not looking at each other, until finally, Jenna fixed her gaze on him and opened her arms, non-verbally asking him if he wanted a hug.

And Jeremy, poor Jeremy, who had to go cold turkey without Michael's hugs and kisses in the morning and cuddles at night and was just plain touch starved, bit his lip, almost breaking down, and ran into her arms, feeling them close around him, and he sobbed. She was so fucking warm and soft.

"He's- he's- he's fucking- fucking go- gone, Jen- Jenna! He's.. he's fucking- fucking  _ dead! _ "

"I know, I know," she cooed as he sobbed into her shoulder, reaching up a hand to pet his hair. "I know sweetie, I know."

They two stood there for a period of time, probably a long one, but nobody was keeping track of exactly how long. Eventually, Jeremy's crying turned into sniffling, and his sniffling into deep and exhausted breaths.

"Alright, hun," Jenna said, separating the two of them. "You go sit down, eat your apple, and I'll get you a drink of water."

Jeremy nodded, following her requests, breathing in and out tiredly.

After about a minute, Jenna set a glass of water on the table, sitting across from Jeremy, and he promptly guzzled it down, and then laid his head on the table, staring off into the distance behind Jenna.

"So," Jenna eventually said, breaking the silence. "I'm taking this as you aren't okay?"

Jeremy barked out a loud hit of laughter, confirming Jenna's statement.

"Mmmmno. That hug was the longest and most personal human touch I've gotten in at least a week and a half. I just put Michael in a fucking  _ tree urn _ , Jenna. I wish it was me instead of him."

Jeremy felt a touch to his face, which was Jenna's hand, pulling his chin up to focus on her as she talked.

"Now listen to me, Jeremy. What happened was a tragic accident, and you can't dwell on what if's, and it should've been me's, okay? Please. For me, for all your friends, for all the people that care for you... For Michael."

Jeremy pushed the hand off and looked away for a few seconds, before finally nodding.

Jenna smiled sadly at him, getting up and pushing her chair open, walking over to the pantry and pulling things up as Jeremy watched her in confusion.

"Good. We're all worried about you. Now, since I know you, and I bet you've barely eaten, I'm making you those chocolate muffins from that Betty Crocker you have, mmkay? Starving wouldn't be nice. So, the memorial service is next week, right?"

Jeremy made a weird noise of confirmation, Jenna pulling out a cupcake pan and the food mix. "Who's coming?"

"Mmreeehh. Uh, everyone, more or less. All of Michael's close family, and most of his cousins, not to mention a few aunts and uncles. The squad, and then friends that Michael made. You know, Ambrosia, Drew, Mckayla, Casey, John, Percy. I think that's all, more or less."

"Anyone invited not coming?"

"Nah. We made sure to steer clear of those who'd probably reject and everything, so everyone's gonna be there."

Jenna nodded, adding in the eggs and water, prompting Jeremy up with a "Jere, do you mind setting the oven to four hundred so it can preheat, and then put the cupcake liners in the pan?"

Jeremy sighed, dragging himself from the chair to the oven and set the oven up, then hopped onto the counter, popping the liners into their spots, laying next to the mixing bowl and Jenna.

"Thanks, 'na. I really appreciate this."

"It's no big deal," she said, shrugging the praise off. "Be a dear and grab me a real spoon, will you?"

Jeremy complied, sliding open the utensil drawer and handing Jenna the spoon, who then scooped the mix into the pan semi-evenly until the bowl was completely empty and then leaned on her elbows, waiting for the oven to finish preheating.

"But like," Jeremy said, continuing his praise, from before. "Coming over, making me food, letting me ruin your shirt with my gross snotty and teary face? You're a really good friend and I- I'm glad you're here to comfort me and everything."

Jenna turned to look at him, a smile quirking up in the corners of her mouth, as she reached out a hand and ruffled his hair. "It's no big deal, Jerm. I'm glad to call you one of my closest friends."

They stood their, in the silence, until the oven went off, indication preheating was over, and Jenna popped the muffins in to cook, setting the timer before helping Jeremy off the counter.

The two headed over the couch, and Jenna let Jeremy unload the feelings he'd been holding in for the past little while, and after half an hour, with muffins.

* * *

 

The memorial was in half an hour, and Jeremy was dreading this.

The memorial was going to be held at the amphitheater where Michael proposed, and then those who wished to come, there would be a planting of Michael's tree in the local forest that Jeremy had bought land for, the next day.

Jeremy bit his lip, his phone buzzing with a text from Brooke, asking if he was definitely coming. He shot back a yes, and exhaled deeply, sliding the phone in his suit's pocket, grabbing the urn and heading to his car.

They had changed the PT cruiser for something else when moving, one that might not break down at the most inconvenient time, so Jeremy went down the elevator and out of the building to it, and it smelled like Michael. Michael's jacket had been found in the trunk, but Jeremy hadn't found it in his heart to remove it, with all it's patches, and warm and... too much like him.

So, Jeremy drove out to the theater, with only Brooke and Michael's moms there, Jeremy waving at them and bringing the urn over to the table somebody had brought, Jeremy propping up the urn and a recent picture of Michael, turning away quickly as to not fall into a pit of tears again.

He felt a hand on his shoulder, and turning to look at whoever was connected to it, he found one of Michael's moms, face stony and sad.

She enveloped him in a hug, and they didn't say anything, just after a minute pass Jeremy to the other woman.

After that, he went over and said hi to Brooke, who merely nodded in reply, and Jeremy sighed, waiting for other guests so they could begin.

* * *

 

The guests arrived one by one, until everyone had come, signaling start time. There wasn't much to be done besides seeing if anyone wanted to say a speech about Michael, and coordinate who was coming to the planting the next day.

Jeremy asked if he could give his speech last, to which his requests were allowed.

The first to go went Michael's mothers individually, talking about how he will always be their son, and how they hoped to see him in the afterlife. One of them spoke about how they were so glad Michael had found love, recounting a time when after he came out, when older kids shoved him around, and made fun of him for being gay. One of the things that had stayed with him was how nobody would love him.

She talked about how Michael came home that day with a hole in his heart and a slur written across his forehead. Michael had been immeasurably worried that Jeremy didn't love him after they had gotten together, and how proud she was on their marriage day, and- that's when she broke down, but shoe powered through, talking about how Michael was a shining light that deserved the world, and she was so glad he had realized such.

Next was Michael's siblings, talking about how much they cared for him, how he helped them find themselves, how he was so unafraid of loving things, and how much it influenced them.

After that went a few of Michael's extended family, wishing they were there for him more, talking about how he always liked helping people with feeling happy, and how he was so much fun to play with, giving the coolest facts about bugs that never failed to make them smile.

A few members of the Squip squad came forward, talking about even though he was careful, he did try to understand people and their actions. They were glad he found a place in their friend group, settling in sometime around senior year.

Rich talked fondly about Michael allowing him to stay over sometimes when family got rough.

Chloe sheepishly talked about how he trusted her when she began trying to change herself for the better.

Jenna smiled, teary-eyed about how Michael and Jeremy became some of the closest friends she had had in such a long time, and nervously brought up the fact that they comforted each other on Halloween, all those years ago.

And then, Jeremy.

Jeremy talked slowly, talking about their friendship through the years, and how thankful he was that  _ he _ of all people got to be the one to see him blossom into this amazing, fantastic person.

He talked about how he tried to be a better person for Michael after the Squip thing, especially after ghosting everyone due to the Squip hospital, and how Michael never failed to remind him of a breathing technique or how much he loved him.

He told everyone about how Michael needed help too, and the first time Michael had a panic attack during their relationship.

"He got so worried that I was gonna leave him because he was 'broken.' Which I said was dumb, he wasn't broken, he was just hurt. And it was okay to be hurt. And I sure as hell didn't leave him when he had panic attacks when we were just friends, and I sure as hell wasn't going to leave him now that we were more than that."

He talked about the small, endearing qualities that Michael had, that Jeremy found life worth living for. For the Ice cream in ice cream sandwiches being licked out first. For popping soda tabs off and collecting them, with the excuse of using them to make art projects when he had too much time on his hands. For Michael working at a vehicle repair shop and coming home gross and messy, but with more facts about motorcycles than he went in with.

He talked about how Michael was his husband, but was always his best friend first, and the two never let that change.

And then Jeremy went silent, looking away from the crowd to bit his fist, whimpering out a "Thank you," obviously strained by tears, before stepping down.

At that point, the service was more or less, effectively over, and all there was left to do was figure out who was coming to the planting, and what time everyone had to leave.

All of Michael's family would be coming, but most lived out of state or too far away to stay for more than a couple days.

Ambrosia, Percy, McKayla, Drew, Brooke, Jenna, Rich, Jake, and Christine all promised to be there, with college friends promising to check up on Jeremy, as well as Jenna, and Christine made it known that she'd be staying in the state with her parents for a long time.

And then, it was done. Everyone left except for Michael's parents and Jeremy.

The three sat more or less separately, and took in the place, echoing with memories, and chances.

Jeremy closed his eyes, and after some time of sitting there in the dark, he heard Michael's mother's shuffle out, with small goodbye's, and he was alone, except for the warm, detectable presence of Michael's ghost fluttering through the room. Jeremy was sure that's what is was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, yes, I did decide to continue this.  
> Since I had a burst of motivation the other day, I wrote this in a day and honestly? Would not recommend. Mentally and emotionally exhausted by the time I was finished. But its long and it's out!!! Next time is the urn planting and Christine offering to buy Jeremy a coffee or come over or whatever. I haven't really worked out the details.
> 
> Also, my uploading will prob be all over the place, but Tuesday will probably be my goal uploading date from here on out.


	3. christine. Christine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im so so sorry i havent posted in forever gotdamn!!!!!!!! im a mess tbh. this was making me deep sad feelings and i didnt have any good ideas for it for months but now its here! its here! yell!!!!!!

Ever since he was a young kid, barely in preschool, Jeremy refused to sleep unless he had bed sheets covering everything below his mouth. He was afraid of the dark, and of clowns in the dark. (Reading It by Stephen King made him cry and fear and he wishes the two boyfriends in the story had both made it out alive)

After he and Michael became friends, he expressed this fear to the other boy, and Michael would just nod seriously, say "I'm here for you, Rosana!" and cuddle up to him under the sheets at sleepovers, because that's what best friends did when they were young.

Jeremy stopped letting Michael cuddle with him as much once he hit puberty, but sometimes it was allowed if Jeremy was particularly frightened. All the frightening things he read (Boys and girls being snatched out of their homes and off their streets to never be seen again and death and death and death of others like him like girls who liked girls and girls who weren’t sure they were actually girls) and heard (Mom and Dad fighting fighting fighting about so much, too much, but quickly forgotten and breaking glass of wine bottles and conflicting shouts on how to fix him) caught up to him at night, when it was dark and he didn't know what could happen. He let Michael cuddle those nights.

The only times he didn't sleep without blankets in a certain way was the bad days.  
Jeremy never self-harmed in the traditional sense of cutting your skin open, he couldn't handle pain well enough, but the night before the date that he had set to come out to his parents; the first four days after his mom leaving; so many nights after the Squip, way too many nights; and the night after Michael's death and before his planting, he slept without bed sheets.

He was cold. Cold, so cold it hurt, for one aspect. Secondly, sleeping without sheets with a morbid fear of everything hurting you when sheet-bare, well, Jeremy was basically saying he didn't care what happened to him, even if it was terrible, even if it was death. He couldn't care less anymore. That was... Bad.

As he lie in bed, his sheets tossed across the room, he lied, shivering on the mattress, but empty. Tree urn Michael stared him in the face, and he hated it. Hated it. Out of all the monsters or ghosts or dead things, he pleaded that maybe it could be Michael coming to get him, coming to haunt him.

He didn't sleep for shit all night, instead staring at the dark frame of the urn, peeling himself up once he noticed sunlight beginning to leak in, at which point he got in the clothes he would need, and went out to drive, "Michael" in the crook of his arm as he stepped to his car.

He almost drove to their favorite coffee shop, but he couldn't handle that, he really couldn't do that right then, instead driving to a more expensive one that he only went to by himself on a bad hospital day. They were really nice, with a lot of flavored creamers, one being chocolate, which Jeremy added in in excessive amounts, along with at least 3 sugar packets. He drank coffee for the caffeine, not the taste.

He had to wait about ten minutes for the shop to open because of his dumb early time, but the moment the neon Open got switched on, he was practically jogging in and ordering two cups of coffee with his chocolate order and a muffin.

Once he got his order, he went to sit outside, letting the sun soak into his skin and he drank and ate, energy fizzling through him as he sat with eyes closed until his phone buzzed with the calendar notification for the planting, stirring him up from his seat and to his car.

 

* * *

 

He was the third to last one to the forest spot, quietly apologizing to the people who had arrived, and small talked with one or two as the last two arrived.

After a certain point of checking off heads, he called for attention by coughing and holding a hand up, others mirroring him and falling into a silence.

"A-alright everyone, let's uh, well uh, euh, yeah. If anyone has anything to say, then.. go ahead."  
The clearing was silent except for the twittering of birds a whoosh of leaves, to which Jeremy nodded and cleared his throat.

"O-kay then. I.. I'll miss him. Thanks for coming out for this, you guys." Jeremy said, his voice wavering with sadness as he turned around, the urn in one arm, the shovel in his other hand, and he sat the pot down, and began to dig.

Those in attendance watched, no sound escaping as the shovel made crunches against the soil and Jeremy grunted with force. He had upper body strength, yeah, but nursing rather than heavy work had caused it to decay, leaving the work slightly strenuous for Jeremy.

Eventually, Jeremy hit the required length of the planting and discarded the shovel, kneeling down and moving the urn into the hole.  
Though he hadn't really practiced any custom Jewish mourning and burial services, he considered Shiva, though it was a fleeting thought to be filed away for later.

He swept the dirt over the top, the seeds mixed into the soil, and it was done. Michael was.. buried.  
Jeremy kept still like that, his knees in the dirt, staring at the spot where Michael was buried, for whole minutes until somebody put a hand on his shoulder, which he grabbed and was helped up by.

Jeremy stood back, watching as guests shuffled forwards to bless Michael, or say something they hoped he could hear, or even just stare. Stare angrily or sadly at the spot or the sky. Eventually, Brooke made her way forwards, finally causing Jeremy to break down when he heard her whisper, “.ברוך דיין האמת”

She came over to Jeremy, staring at him with sad eyes. Jeremy considered himself an atheist jew and didn’t practice what some others did. It was his religion, like most others.  
Where he celebrated Yom Kippur or Shabbat or Rosh Hashanah, he didn’t follow Kashrut except for the one week after his mom left and his father flew into a weird panic before he remembered neither could cook.  
Where he went to synagogue (sometimes) and wore his Magen David necklace proudly, he didn’t follow any of the traditional stuff for the wedding or the funeral.

Brooke did all the things he didn’t, though, so when she stood next to him, going in to grip his hand, he breathed in deeply and recuperated the hand holding, saying softly, sadly, “ברוך אתה ה', אלהינו מלך העולם, דיין האמת”

Brooke nodded, squeezing the bundle of fingers, and looked back out to the group of people, Jeremy doing the same.  
Michael’s family kept saying things in Tagalog or Spanish. Rich announced that he’d buy a hockey shirt for him the next time he went to a game (the only sport Michael ever got into). Christine just stared, wide-eyed and frightened, like the reality of her life and past, hidden in rose tinted glasses just came into full color in scarily vibrant fashions.

Jeremy let them mourn. He felt it was time to just leave. He didn’t know what to do; the last funeral he had been to was years ago, when he was 11, and it was too fuzzy to try and recall nowadays.

So, he pulled out of Brooke’s grip and turned to leave, but the quick shuffling of grass and leaves and a gentle hand on his shoulder stopped him.

“Jeremy?” Christine said, Jeremy turning to look at her. “You leaving?”  
“Yeah. I just.. I dunno.”  
“Okay. If you want, I can treat you to a coffee. In case you don’t want to be alone just yet.”  
“That’s… nice, Christine, but I’ll kinda have to decline. Maybe tomorrow?”  
“Am I allowed to hold you to that?”  
“Yes, but if you are, make it in a couple days.”

Christine nodded and let him go, and Jeremy gave a feeble wave to her as he walked off.

 

* * *

 

Just as Christine said, she held Jeremy too it.

After about a week of holing up in his apartment (his break from ended in a couple days. Ugh), Christine texted Jeremy about Jenna had given her the number and also said how Jeremy hadn’t left in days so she was coming over to force Jeremy to shower and to take him out for a coffee.

Jeremy texted back about how Jenna was a dirty snitch, but he didn’t ask Christine to not come. So she came.

“Knock knock!” She called from the hall, and Jeremy, still in bed at 2:30, called back “It’s open!”

She pushed in uncertainty, muttering about how anyone could just waltz in at any time, then came over to Jeremy with a deep set frown on her face.  
“Jeremy, have you been laying there all day?”

“Close,” Jeremy sighed. And then, with a bitter laugh, said “Yesterday after lunch is more like it.”  
“Jeremy!” Christine squawked. “That’s not healthy! For mourning and also in general. Can you get up for me?”

Jeremy groaned but did as he asked. Looks like Christine hadn’t changed much since he last saw her. Landing on his feet, he wobbled for a few seconds until he steadied himself, and then he glared down at the shorter girl.

“Don’t get all pissed off at me! Exercise is good for something-something neurochemicals that make you happier, and standing is the first step to that. This place is a pigsty, by the way! I think that’s another something-something neurochemical!”  
Jeremy frowned. Michael was surprisingly clean over his years, often resorting to using “Damn bitch you live like this?” when Jeremy’s house got too hot to handle.

“Sorry, I guess I just.. Didn’t really care to notice?”  
“Well, good thing I’m here. Go take a shower, scrub the grease out of your hair and your skin raw, and I’ll pick up some more immediate things. Then, I’ll take you to lunch.”

When did Christine get so bossy, Jeremy thought until he remembered, oh wait, tech weeks at school. So he did as ordered and honestly.. It felt nice to be clean again. He even brushed his teeth in the heat of the moment, even if he knew he’d be eating in less than an hour anyway.

When he came out of the bathroom, towel held around his waist, he saw Christine had cleared out some of the old takeout boxes he carelessly left on the counters and was in the middle of throwing away an empty box of four cheese cheese-its. She turned to look at him and smiled softly until her eyes landed on the scars on Jeremy’s chest and she raised an eyebrow at him.

“Top surgery scars. Got it a few years ago after a big legal battle between a Squip thing happened, and everyone who could be tracked down and was sold a Squip as a minor was given money and shit in compensation. Used it to get rid of the pillow boys. I think Rich bought a drum kit.”

Christine nodded with an unreadable expression before her mouth morphed into a teasing smile, her eyes still sad.  
“No binders when you get dressed anymore, then? Speaking of which, go put clothes on so we can head out.”

Jeremy nodded and headed into his bedroom, then scrambled to get dressed once his body realized how hungry it really was, coming out in a green hoodie and jeans, clearly dressed to impress, the narrator thinks sarcastically.

He shot her a thumbs up, which she mirrored before skipping over to the door and holding it open, sing-songing, “People with flat chests first.”  
Jeremy rolled his eyes but did head out, hands stuffed in his pockets.

“Do you have the key so I can lock it?” She asked.  
“Nooo...? I usually leave it open. Nobody breaks in anyways.”

Christine gave him a hard look and sighed, rubbing her forehead with her fingers. “Where are the keys?”  
“There are hooks on the cabinet next to the oven.”

Christine headed in and grabbed it, coming back out and locking the door before tossing the keys to Jeremy.  
“Hold onto them. Use them more often. Not locking the door is a careless risk, which is mildly concerning.”

“Gotcha,” Jeremy nodded, pausing for a beat before he stuffed the keys in his pocket as Christine began walking, following her.

“So where’s your car?” He asked once they got to the parking lot, and she gave him a devilish smile.  
“We’re walking to the restaurant.”

“What.”  
“I told you earlier! Exercise helps with biology science shit and makes you happier! So… uh, we’re walking?” She said, stammering out the last part as her bravado wore down.

Jeremy crossed through several emotions and multiple layers of hell just staring at her for a second, but eventually, he sighed too and nodded, directing Christine to lead them, to which she lit up and did.

Jeremy was just thankful it was a pretty nearby sandwich shop, less than half a mile. But he had to admit, past the mild exhaustion, he felt better than he had in days, with his limbs moving and his heart pumping.

It was also sooooo good to eat for the first time in more than 24 hours.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anyone who's actually Jewish,,, feel free to call me out on the moment between Brooke and Jeremy with the lil blessing bc I was just using the prayer stuff I found on a couple sites that seemed consistent,,, and yes i hc brooke as jewish,,,

**Author's Note:**

> ☆Yo!!! So I'm Adrien, and I highkey appreciate comments/interaction. Even if I don't reply your comment has DEFINITELY been read and I DEFINITELY freaked out about it for at least 10 minutes.
> 
> ☆I decided to continue this. WHAT THE CUCKS AN UPLOAD???????????
> 
> ☆My tumblr is @transbrookelohst if you wanna yell at me about this! I have some planning and sneak previews for this fic at times.


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